Extreme midlife crisis causes grief

Dear Annie: Last June, my husband and I decided to take the computer out of my daughter's room because she was talking to strangers on the Internet. We moved it downstairs where my husband watches TV so he would be able to keep an eye on her. The next thing I know, he is playing poker on the Internet, 24/7. My daughter later told me he was talking to a woman online. When I questioned him, he said they were "just friends." I believed him.

When our youngest daughter had a baby last December, my husband became fixated on getting old. He is only 46. Two months ago, he went to our summer cottage and hasn't returned. Now he says he wants a divorce so he can play professional poker and be "free."

I went up to the cottage and overheard him talking on the phone to another woman. I then put a spy cam in the room and actually saw him playing Internet poker with this same woman and also having cybersex. I was sick.

Now he won't talk to me or the children, and refuses to see his granddaughter. The Internet has ruined our lives, our family, our business and our home. Do you think my husband is going through a midlife crisis? Anti- Internet

Dear Anti: Your husband sounds like a textbook case, but don't blame the Internet. He's feeling his age, and the fear has panicked him. The Internet has simply made it easier for him to live in his fantasy world. If you can get Hubby to go with you for counseling, it might help both of you, but if he won't, please go on your own. Also talk to a lawyer about a legal separation. Your husband shouldn't be so "free" that he walks away from his financial obligations.

Dear Annie: We are a retired couple on a fixed income. We have friends whose son recently graduated high school. We had been saving up money to give him as a gift. This young man has an older brother who quit school, and last year, he got his GED.

We just received an invitation to a graduation party for both boys. I have never heard of a graduation for a GED. We don't have the money to give gifts to both boys. We will have to split what we put aside for the one in order to give two gifts. This doesn't seem fair to the boy who did not quit high school. What should we do? Mr. and Mrs. Retired

Dear Retired: We think a boy who dropped out of high school, but then had the determination to earn a GED, deserves a graduation party just as much as the son who earned his diploma the more conventional way. Both boys completed their high school education. Please split the gift.

Dear Annie: We read the letter from "Anonymous," who was adopted and couldn't stand to celebrate her birthday because it was so "sad." We agree she is a little obsessed with the birthday issue. There is, however, another option that you might mention, and that is celebrating the anniversary of the adoption. The writer could respectfully request this from family and friends, and it might ease the tension.

We have an adopted son and daughter. We celebrate both the actual birthday and the anniversary. They always seem to appreciate our remembering their special anniversary day.

Now our children are in their mid-30s and living away from home, but we still never forget a card, small gift or phone call to remind them of the joy they brought into our lives the day they became part of our family. Peg and Phil in Nantucket, Mass.

Dear Peg and Phil: Thanks for the terrific suggestion. Hopefully this tradition will help those who have a tough time celebrating their birth.

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